So, it was my first time on the comedic stage, if you will (and I shall). I got a lot of compliments, it was great!
Here are the notes that lead up to what I hope will be a thing of beauty when the video playback is ready:
I was asked to participate tonight and it’s a great honor, truly. Because I’ve known Dan for a long time, a long time. From way back in the old country …back when he still had his looks…back when he was thin and full of life, in other words, you know what I mean…before marriage.
And that’s probably the best place to start…because I gave a lot of thought on where to start tonight…
Do I begin with Dan’s shady dealings with the Russian computer mafia?
Do I begin with Dan’s various encounters with law enforcement?
Or
Do I begin with his history of strange friends?
But no, I decided that the marriage would be a good placed to start. Many people here won’t know this but interestingly enough I was actually given a similar honor at their wedding, I read the tnaim---the conditions—upon which their matrimony would be based. And you guys may not have known this, but I actually saved those conditions for just such a day when reading them might again become relevant…
Appropriately enough there were actually 36 conditions Dan agreed to…and here they are in no particular order…
I Daniel Leubitz promise to never:
1. Dutch oven Andy when she least expects it…
2. To never become too obsessed with computer games…
3. To never spend days at a time online researching new gardening techniques…
4. To never pend my days and nights measuring the wind speed…
5. To never again adopt an entourage of strange friends and obsessive hangers on…
6. To never begin too many new businesses at a time…
7. To never rent out an apartment to relatives of the criminally notorious…
8. To never involve myself in political activities that will get me beat up or otherwise detained by law enforcement…
9. To never again develop too many new businesses with strange and obsessive partners …
10. To never adopt animals that I have to feed live bait to…
11. To never have a bin of continuously rotting garbage and feces in our back yard…
12. To never get together with clandestine groups of middle aged men and race children’s scooters down steep hills…
13. To never spend hours online ordering parts for those children scooters…you know to reinforce the wheels and build axels…
14. To never video tape those outings…
15. That if I ever lose my mind and do start racing children’s scooters, I will have the good sense to never tell anyone about it…
16. I will never have my relatives over for anywhere near a month at a time…
17. No matter what happens I will never wear a ridiculously oversized toupee…
18. I will never be thrown off of Facebook…
19. I will never be thrown off Facebook twice…
20. I will never be thrown off of Facebook 3 times….
21. I swear 4 times and that’s it!
22. I will never hose my children down with water in place of a bath…
23. I will never hose my children down with water in place of a bath and photograph it…
24. I will never place those photos on Facebook!
25. I will not create a business based around my obsession for rubber…and oil…
26. I will stay away from online political forums…
27. My goal is not to join the who’s who list of extremist icons…
28. I will not pee in the house and blame it on the dog…
29. I will not take a crap in the house and blame the dog…
30. I will never have a job that is easily described…
31. Will never go on diets where I only consume protein and tequila…
32. Will never drink a neighbor’s entire bottle of expensive tequila and fill it with a cheap one…
33. Will never cheat at board games…
34. Will never become the ring leader of a private men’s Mikva club…
35. Will never make written recommendations to the members of this club regarding how I prefer the male body to be washed…
36. To never randomly wander into the Mikvah nude while another man is in there claiming I’ve lost my tzitzit!
And in the Israeli tradition, one more for next year...
37. To never come up from dunking in the Mikvah and speak the words, “the royal penis is now clean your majesty”.
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